Pet projects

By Eric Wallace

Wouldn’t you agree that you want the great love of your life to be at your wedding?

Yes, your intended, sure. But also that other great love: your pet. Not only at your wedding. In your wedding. It’s only proper that your pet should participate. After all, she’s a member of the family.

“But you can’t have animals in weddings,” people snort. “Too smelly. Too disruptive.”

Let’s examine those arguments.

Smelly: consider the potent perfume enveloping Aunt Calliope. She’s attending, isn’t she? And don’t forget Cousin Herb, who overpowers everyone with eau de cigar.

Disruptive: what about addicted cell phoners, chronic coughers and hackers, chatty Cathys, hyper-weeping in-laws? They’ll all be attending.

Case rests.

Not that there aren’t some considerations.

For instance, if the groom has a bristly bulldog and the bride a sleek Siamese, common sense suggests there should be at least six degrees of separation.

The adorable puppy that is not quite housebroken should sit it out. Make it up to her by promising a prime role in the christening of your firstborn.

If your pet is given to impromptu clawing or biting (occasionally there are pitfalls to pitbulls), keep it away until the reception reaches its wilder stages. At that point the pet will more naturally fit in.

But otherwise, get your pet fully involved! Be inventive. Think outside the (litter) box.

Dogs

As he is already man’s best friend, could your dog not also be the best man’s best friend and stand up with the wedding party? A crepe-covered stool would provide the height. And certain breeds look downright handsome in tuxes.

Remember the ‘his master’s voice’ dog, ear cocked towards the phonograph speaker? Train your dog to turn her head to each of the ceremonial sounds (minister, vows, soloist, etc.) and she’ll make a charming visual effect. Just make sure she won’t sing along. Or if she’s likely to, make her the soloist.

If you have a collie, terrier or sheepdog, employ him to round up the guests when it’s time to cut the cake or for the couple to depart. To go easier on everyone’s ears, skip the whistle and cue him with hand signals.

Cats

Cats often get a bad rap as critters who merely sit around being decorative.

Well, why not put that decorative tendency to use? Your cat would make a very attractive, contented ring cushion.

For winter weddings, let her function as a unique muff or nouveau chapeau in the bride’s going-away outfit.

Or use her amplified purring as accompaniment for the music. It’s easy to help your cat be more purr-poseful.

A more active role: teach kitty to cut the cake with one swipe per slice. (Just make sure your caterer’s contract has a claws clause.)

Horses

If you have pet horses, then trot to the church on them. If you’re feeling frisky, clip-clop right down the aisle (flooring permitting). Even more daringly, put the whole wedding party on horseback, minister included.

A plus: if the groom — or the bride — is significantly late, it’ll be easy to send out a posse.

Fish

We’ve heard of goldfish bowls as table decorations. All well and cute. But if your pets are of the finny variety, fish around for a grander variation on the theme.

How about a large aquarium as a centerpiece? You could float the cake in it.

Import a big tank, don scuba gear, and hold the ceremony among your colorful pets.

Instead of tossing the bouquet, sink it among your fish and have the spinsters dunk for it. Ooh, that tickles!

Hamsters

Hamsters at a wedding? You bet. Take advantage of their love of eternally running in wheelie circles — harness all that liveliness!

Your hamster could operate the barbecue rotisserie. Or he could power a lazy Susan to rotate the wedding cake, or rig it so the hamster makes the dance glitter ball revolve.

Parrots

Win/win: Fun for your little guy. Alternative energy for you.

Parrots can blend in wonderfully. You might teach yours to sit on the matron of honor’s shoulder and echo the “I dos.” Train it to announce that dinner is ready. Introduce the newlyweds. Give one of the toasts. Holler “I love you!” throughout the evening.

Simply make sure your parrot doesn’t let loose under pressure. “Awk! I hate your mother!” and “ Who's the floozy?” might reveal more than you want.

Ferrets

Ferrets are smart, so they could carry in the bouquet or scurry down the aisle with festive streamers.

Noted for their cute war dances, they could provide lively entertainment. Sharp-eyed, they’d be excellent for helping your guests find contact lenses or other lost objects.

But watch out: one of a ferret’s favorite occupations is making off with lacy unmentionables and literally ferreting them away. If your ferret attends be sure to include this alert to your bridesmaids.

Yes, there are lots of possibilities: pet snakes as slinky garters (be careful how you throw them) … goats as ushers (no butts as to who sits where) … lambs as fluffy flower girls … roosters to announce the bride.

You get the idea: your dearly beloved (pet) belongs in your wedding.

As a bonus, think of all the great photo ops: you, your sweetie, and your pet. A nuptial ménagerie a trois.