Off with His Head…

and other sundry ways of dealing with pre-wedding stress

Story By Eric Wallace

Is prenuptial stress putting a strain on your relationship? Is the run-up to your wedding creating an urge to run away? And we don’t mean together.

The good news is that you’re not alone. The bad news is that … knowing the good news doesn’t help one bit. How much stress can creep into the life of an engaged couple?

See if you agree with the experts.

Take this multiple-choice test:

The correct answers to all of the above are: all of the above.

If, like many couples, you are torquing each other worse than a bear savaging a honey-coated willow branch, you need relief. And fast.

Here are a few fun home remedies to help you creatively deal with stress. (Some may be trickier to use immediately if you stress-out in public.)

PUSHUPS (NOT THE BRAS)

Release the tension with lively physicality. Apply what irritated drill sergeants bellow: “Drop and give me 20!”

When either person uncorks stressful behavior – say you snarl at him when he questions honeymoon costs – the offendee tells the offender to hit the floor and begin aggressive pushups.

However, since you’re in this together, it’s only fair that the offendee also drops and does pushups. Synchronized, even.

You’ll both become groan ups. Keep going until one collapses or until you start giggling.

RASSLIN WITH STRESS

When stress surges – say he grumps about the guest list – both of you quickly don hockey gear* and engage in a hearty round of hockey-wrestling.

Grab and grapple, pummel and thump. Work up a good sweat. Go at each other until the referee in you blows the whistle.

*Be sure to skip the sticks and the blades.

OFF WITH HIS HEAD

There will be moments when one of you snaps big time, ready to bite the other’s head off.

Well, set it up so you can do just that.

On a non-stress day, shape ice cream or semi-melted chocolate into individual sculptures of the two of you. Have fun. Enjoy messy, fingerlicky togetherness. Fashion chocolate groombunnies, vanilla-fudge Santa brides.

Freeze your poppets. At moments of stress-snap, rush to the fridge, remove a confection, and, in front of your partner, bite its head off.

Relish a big laugh. Even if it’s an evil one.

Anger never tasted so sweet.

SNOWY SURROGATES

If calories are a concern, try another cool approach: In the yard, build two huge snowmen closely-resembling yourselves. Doll them up with props and clothing. Keep these intendeds well tended until needed. When the urge arises, dash outside and chew the heck out of your partner’s stubborn and icy demeanor.

If you’re experiencing any self-loathing, then attack your own snowperson too.

Check with your dentist about dealing with frozen gums, lips and teeth.

THE DESTRUCTORS

Couples with even stronger violent impulses can use the smash-and-burn technique.

In non-stressful moments, collect things not destined for your life of togetherness. Her extra-frilly sofa pillow covers. His sweaty baseball caps. Her broken Exercycle. His leaking beanbag chairs. Her Cosmo collection. His photos of old girlfriends. The more smashable glass the merrier. You get the idea.

Keep the items in one place. Then, when the stressmood strikes, attack some of these disposable delectables with fists, softball bats, barbecue forks, propane torches. Rip, tear, shred, smash, burn. Destroy. Delight.

Not only will you dissipate stress, you’ll have begun the necessary paring-down before blending households.

DRESS FOR DE-STRESS

Stock up on outlandish thrift shop clothing. Aim for the most ridiculous items possible. Look for outfits and accessories so not-you they’re beyond comical.

Bunny boots are a must.

When stress has you snapping like a turtle, reach quickly into the ready pile and dress up. In fact, dress each other up. The sillier, the wilder, the better. Yes, cross-dressing is an option.

You’re bound to laugh. You’ll lose the stress. You’ll support charity. You may even create an outfit you’ll want to wear at the wedding.

THE GOOD OLD SMACKEROO

No, not clobbering! (Maybe slobbering.) “Smackeroo” means planting a wet one on the lips. Use the timeless kiss-and-make-up technique. No details necessary! Practice this even when there’s no apparent need to practice.

Now that you’re thinking inventively, here’s your final quiz question:

Q: What’s the best way to defuse pre-wedding stress?

a. Turn over all the planning to your respective parents

b. Practice yoga and meditation 12-14 hours a day

c. Eat vast amounts of chocolate and drink gallons of fireweed wine

d. Jam in your ear buds and don’t remove them until the organist begins “Here Comes the Bride”

If you answered a, b, c or d, go back to the beginning of this article and start again. You need to learn how to relax more.

We can’t stress that enough.