The Do-It-Yourself Wedding Cake

How Sweet It Is!

Story by Eric Wallace

“Now see, this is something we didn’t really think about.”

So you think the two of you would like to design your own wedding cake?

Great! But why be conventional? Instead, consider leaping in with Alaskan derring-do, creating an original and dramatic masterpiece.

To start you off – a few ideas, the mere tip of the icing.

Overall Design

Think big and bold. With new lightweight edible struts and organic suspension systems your cake can go up or out – or both – and soar. Height and width: no limit. Distinctive shape and appearance: have at it!

Your creation can resemble anything you dream of: his ancestral home, your first Harley, his old teddy bear, your coveted Hummer, that planned four-poster bed with the Henry VIII ruffles.

If you’re feeling state-patriotic, consider a salute to Alaska. Fashion the cake to look like Mt. Foraker, the Mount Roberts Tramline, the TransAlaska Pipeline, your favorite ski run, and so on. Don’t limit your imaginations or think small. Denali, for instance, demands dramatic dimensions.

Simply make sure the design compensates for sag, tilt, internal hemorrhaging and birds building nests on the uppermost layers.

And be very certain – when the big slicing moment arrives – that any knife cuts won’t result in spectacular chaos.

Textures & Exterior

Want a log cabin surface? Easy. Craggy slopes? A snap. Smooth, silky, stuccoed, quilted: all a piece of cake.

Today’s icings are computer-designable. From sugar fondant pastes and buttercream slathers to tutti-frutti papier mache and washboard spackle – online texture databases can provide recipes for anything you concoct.

There’s no limit to decorative embellishments: filigrees, pedigrees, flutes, chutes, flowers, flamingos, finials, eaves, soffits and downspouts – millions of choices. You can mix and match with liberal glee.

Monograms, holograms, jewels, crewels? Easy for you to add.

Colors? You have every white in the book at your disposal, but why be timid? Forget Betty (Crocker). Sherman (Williams) is there to help.

Nowadays, of course, all cake colors come in latex, matte and semi-gloss.

Fillings/Flavors

Many engaged couples have their first-ever arguments over choosing the filling. Tragically, it’s usually only a question of chocolate versus vanilla, but this simple division can place a fault line under the entire marriage. (Documented by Masters & Johnson, Baskin & Robbins, et al.)

Fortunately, today’s monumental edifices can satisfy the tastes of both bride and groom and also provide multiple, sophisticated flavors.

Lay on your layers: cuba libre, margarita walnut, chocolate gazpacho – all quite wonderful. Licorice pumpkin, honeysuckle salmon, caribou caramel crunch, fiddlehead fandango – only your taste buds are the limit.

As You Full-Fill Yourselves:

Be sure to apply the High Salivation Factor test: Are you drooling sufficiently?

Provide top newlywed feed-ability: For your big smoosh-a-slice-in-the-face moment, make sure the fillings have an excellent drip/goo consistency and a non-nauseating color.

Before settling on the final sugar content, consult your dentist.

Toppers

If you’re doing it up in style, the venerable plastic bride and groom atop the cake just won’t cut it.

At the very least, have a model maker prepare lifelike miniatures of the two of you, using permanent materials to symbolize the durability of your marriage. While you could clothe these figurines in wedding attire, consider being more audacious. Skiing togs, scuba gear, arctic survival outfits are a start. Or if it suits, birthday suits.

With your supersized cake, don’t just settle for figurines on the top. How about miniature, fully equipped climbers ascending the sides with crampons? Consider goodies like polar bears, oil derricks, cell phone towers and dog sleds, all to scale. If you want to score big brownie points, add an accurate miniature of the groom’s boss, looking very dapper in tails or bunny boots.

Special Effects

In this technological era, your wedding cake deserves a few extras.

At its debut, your creation could sizzle with pyrotechnics – fireworks, rockets, sparklers, or shooting stars.

Inside the cake, place a video projector, flashing your choice of images onto the exterior icing – auroral, historic, sentimental or risqué.

Hide speakers inside to play your favorite song. Sweetly, of course.

Guests will be particularly intrigued if you have a notable to jump out of the cake: perhaps the best man, a local celebrity or your minister doing an encore.

Important: Most of the above effects are recommended prior to the insertion of the knife.

Final Thoughts

Despite the modernity of your creation, you can still honor the tradition of preserving the top layer for later consumption. But to remain up-to-date, insert a time capsule in that layer, including DNA samples for future cloning of your younger selves.

Before the wedding day, stress-test the presentation table. Enlarge any doorways through which the cake will pass. Check all ceiling clearances. Consider obtaining cake insurance.

Finally, if you have any doubts at all, step back a bit and agree to hire a baking professional. That’s the one way you can be sure of having your cake and eating it too.